Observations on Grief

A major theme in Talking to the Dead by Bonnie Grove is how people deal with grief. The fact is, in spite of the steps of grieving outlined by psychologists, the individual reactions and timelines for this process are as varied and individual as people are in all other ways. C. S. Lewis wrote two books about suffering loss and grieving. The first, The Problem of Pain (1940) was a scholarly and scripturally sound offering that gave readers pat answers for coping with grief. At the time of its writing, Lewis was a confirmed bachelor and the quintessential Oxford Don. Then he married Joy Gresham and watched her struggle with painful bone cancer until her death. In 1961 he wrote a new book, A Grief Observed, now with the experience of the overwhelming specter of personal grief, experience that is more than the 'answers' really addressed. I am also reminded of a song title--"When Answers Aren't Enough, There is Jesus" (Scott Wesley Brown). True, the only answer that really counts in the end is Jesus, but when a spouse, daughter, or parent has died, we usually aren't looking for answers as much as solace. Like I heard in another song, some of us have heard all the answers and even quote the verses to others, but when grief becomes personal, that isn't enough.

There is a time in the book when Kate asks her mother, "Is it going to get better?" Her mother's answer is profoundly accurate. "It's going to get different...I'm referring to the way you're feeling. About losing Kevin. About grief and loss and sadness. It changes...It seems to me that feelings are the most unreliable things."

I couldn't count the number of times that I've heard someone say, "I don't know how people make it if they don't know the Lord" (or words to that effect). I usually nod in agreement. During our times of grief and sorrow, we really can cry out to Jesus and let Him hold us. In a spiritual sense, anyway; there is still a yearning for flesh-and-blood contact, though, like a person's shoulder to cry on. Kate, the main character in Talking to the Dead, is one of those people who doesn't know the Lord. The book does an in-depth study of her paralyzing grief that overtakes her when her husband dies quite suddenly. Most of us have known cases similar enough to this that we feel empathy for this poor widow. To make it worse, her father died suddenly just a short time before the story began, and her mother is still working through her own deep grief. Emptiness. A great aching void. Haunting loneliness. Then she starts hearing Kevin talk to her.

In the book, Kate's mother found help by reading books about coping with grief. Maggie decided to change her life and get busy with lots of stuff. I know in my own case it helped doing things to benefit others, and I got super-involved with ministries at my church. Some people need to talk it all out and cry with a friend or two, but others don't want to talk at all.

Then there is the reaction of other people. So often it seems that they expect everyone to get over it, buck up, and get on with life after a few days. The truth is, even for those who deal with grief in the best ways, life is never going to go on exactly like it did before. Kate is an extreme example of this, perhaps, but as it turns out, she has a lot more baggage than it appears at first glance. She is a true case if someone who needs special assistance to plug in to life again. Unfortunately, she is also an example of what can happen when the helpers she finds are bad news. The good news is that God reaches out to the seeker and the lost, and this very lost young woman 'accidentally' runs into the one person God has chosen to give her the help she needs. It still isn't an instant solution--real life doesn't find resolution in an hour like on television. But with patience and care, the Holy Spirit draws her in. The love of God finally fills the deep void in her soul. Now I know I'm giving away a big part of the story (You probably expected it anyway), but it's important for us to dwell on the power of God's love over everything else. And when people we know are in the depths of grief, we need to embody the love of God as we are in contact with them. Patient, loving, drawing back at times, but ready to lend a shoulder for their tears as needed. I believe, as in any other case, really, it's important to bathe our actions and conversations with prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to guide. One size doesn't fit all.



Although this was more a rambling of my thoughts than a book review, it was triggered by reading Talking to the Dead by Bonnie Grove. It has been well received by all the readers that I know and appeals to a wide audience. You can read an excerpt here tomorrow.



To learn more about Bonnie Grove and her books, check out her website.




Purchase Talking to the Dead at
Barnes and Noble, and Amazon.





Check out these other member blogs this week for more info.

TALKING TO THE DEAD--Ghosts in a Christian Book?

My first thoughts when I started reading Talking to the Dead were, "What kind of Christian book is this? Christians don't believe in ghosts, other than the Holy Ghost." In other words, I was skeptical at best as I tackled the story.

Happily, it soon became apparent that Bonnie Grove wasn't writing a script for Ghost Whisperer. It does get a little creepy for a while, though, and I don't want to spoil the story by saying too much. Actually, there isn't ever a full explanation of the phenomenon of Kate hearing her dead husband talking to her.

Whoa--I guess I'm getting ahead of myself here, jumping right into the middle of the story. It seems that Kevin Davis, a young, upwardly mobile bank employee, has died quite suddenly while away from home. He was already dead and in the hospital before his wife, Kate, was even notified. The devoted wife was understandably in shock and stayed there for days. Her mother, sister, and Kevin's best friend Blair all stepped in to take care of the arrangements while Kate remained in a zombie-like state. It was too much to register; how could her husband of only seven years be gone like that?

The first time Kate hears Kevin talking to her is that night after the funeral. She was upstairs in the bedroom, and it freaked her out enough that she didn't go back upstairs for several days. Instead, she camped out on the living room floor, more or less in a fetal position. She wasn't coping with life after his death well at all, but she also wasn't letting others help her out. Her mother, who had just been widowed a few months earlier, brought over a bunch of books that had helped her get through her grief, but Kate just pushed them aside. When her sister Heather tried to clean up the dishes for her, she woke up a bit from her catatonic state and screamed at Heather to go away and leave her alone. It's hard to help someone who refuses to be helped, but as days passed this way, everyone become increasingly alarmed. Enter eccentric Maggie, an older lady, an acquaintance of Kate's mother, who has a pushy way of putting her two cents' worth in. By this time, though, Kate was starting to realize she might be grieving in an unhealthy way, and after mulling it over a bit, calls Maggie back to get the list of counselors from her. Slowly, Kate begins a journey through her grief, trying to find her sanity, but some of the counselors she runs into make it worse. All the while, Kevin pops up unexpectedly talking to her about things, even yelling at her, which was uncharacteristic. Of course, his appearances and conversations, things she doesn't dare tell anyone else, eventually convince Kate that she must be losing her mind. But it seems so real! And why does he tell her things she wouldn't otherwise know, like the location of his important papers, if it isn't real?

Kate spends a lot of time reminiscing-- her wedding, an anniversary, different moments of life with Kevin. It appears that they were madly in love, one of those nearly perfect couples. And yet...before too long there is a little crack developing. Something was amiss, but what? I don't want to give away any clues before you read it for yourselves, but Kevin had some secrets. And Kate had lost memories of the most recent times--she didn't remember the last time she saw Kevin alive--which slowly come back to her in flashes.

Oh, by the way, neither Kate nor her mother know anything about God. He hasn't come into the picture at all, and when Kate first thinks about Him, it's in a negative way: if there is a God, how could He let such horrible things happen? She even talks to a famous preacher called a 'miracle man' who makes her feel worse than ever. Forget this angry God. Then, quite by accident, she meets a really unconventional preacher while he's playing basketball with some young punks. Little by little, he introduces her to the love of God and the idea of a God who actually cares about her. This 'chance' meeting takes Kate in a new direction, one he didn't even know was there.

Talking to the Dead is a powerful piece of writing. Even the style changes as Kate herself changes: short, staccato sentence and fragments in the beginning emphasize the grief and shock that Kate undergoes. It's hard to breath or feel, and those of us who have known grief can identify. As her story unfolds and she seeks help, however, the style become more fluid and flowing. It's very much psychological suspense, but that doesn't exclude action. In fact, Kate's actions get pretty out-of-control before it's all over--it isn't a case of total recovery and peace once she hears about a loving God. I found myself surprised more than once by the events whenever Kate turned a corner. For me, the most powerful thing was the expression of how grief plays out with different people. I'll write more about that tomorrow. Mrs. Grove also skillfully dropped new hints to the 'whole' story little by little as the tale grew. As it turned out, there was so much more going on than just tragic death and widowhood. The writing evoked lots of different emotions for me, even made me laugh a little bit with the unsinkable Maggie.

The only thing that disappointed me, really, was that I didn't see any mention of Jesus. The love of God is key, but the sacrificial love doesn't enter the picture, unless I missed it. However, not every book written from a Christian worldview has to go through the entire plan of salvation, so I'm not going to dwell on this. It leads in that direction, and it is obvious that God's love was a crucial missing ingredient in Kate' life.

Overall, I can truly recommend Talking to the Dead. It is most definitely an adult book although older teens would also enjoy it. I tend to think of it as a suspense story, although it is also the story of a romance and much, much more. The intensity builds in such a way that the reader doesn't want to put it down until reaching the end. It isn't a romance novel, although that's a part of it, so I guess I'd have to recommend it for a general audience.


THE AUTHOR:

Bonnie Grove started writing when her parents bought a manual typewriter, and she hasn’t stopped since. Trained in Christian Counseling (Emmanuel Bible College, Kitchener, ON), and secular psychology (University of Alberta), she developed and wrote social programs for families at risk while landing articles and stories in anthologies. She is the author of Working Your Best You: Discovering and Developing the Strengths God Gave You; Talking to the Dead is her first novel. Grove and her pastor husband, Steve, have two children; they live in Saskatchewan.




You can learn more about her at her website, http://www.bonniegrove.com/index.html. ( I love the subtitle: "Life is messy. God is love.")

Purchase Talking to the Dead at
Barnes and Noble, and Amazon.






Check out these other member blogs this week for more info.